Get it on

Wot Ho again chaps!

Sorry to have been so long recuperating but the bones are all on the mend and the libido is back to its block busting best. Blimey, I could roger a primate rigid! Or is that I could rigid a Roger primate? Whatever, I am back, fighting fit and in fine fettle and that's enough F's to start an alliteration class.

Sorry to see that Derek is slightly miffed; understandable under the circumstances though and I for one would be more than willing to compensate the old duffer by paying for his parking ticket if that helps. My missus has the odd bob or two (and doesn't mind if I have the odd Doris or three wink, wink, now and again) so I think we can rustle up the dosh.

I can certainly attend a band get together either next week or the following one but will not be able to leave the farm the week after that as I have to inseminate a cow. (Well, it has been ruddy weeks and poor old Maybelline is gagging for it!!). Also, I have a farm fare to attend, all about what is the best way to fertilise a field. Should come round my house after I have had a chicken korma they'd soon find out.

Anyway, if a little wonga will help to oil old Derek's waters then I'll be glad to oblige. The bass is raring to be played and I am the man to play it so give us a call if you have half a mind to or are still interested in bashing out that old song of ours.

Yours in tripe, ketchup and odd stains,

Bonzo.

Let It Be

Well, that’s it. I’ve had enough. I’ve waited over a month and no one’s even been bothered, not even had the courtesy to email me, or blog or anything to say sorry.
Or recompense me for the money I had to shell out to Lug. Ten pounds - not to mention a round of drinks for Lug and all his regulars. And I had to buy that as they were a particularly mean looking crew. Especially the guy with the thick arms and tattoos of the devil up both arms and round his neck.
So there I was. Sitting at my drums, which I had to carry unaided up two bloody flights of stairs with a nasty bend halfway up, and I’ve got a bad back. All on my own. A drummer sitting all on his own – can’t be many things sadder than that. Except maybe a band without a drummer! Then I had to carry them all down again. And my van got a bloody parking ticket!
Needless to say we’ve missed the deadline for the commercial. No money there, then. And that could have been a good little earner. So I guess this is the end of the line. I should have let sleeping reprobates lie, let things be.
Anyway. That’s it! No point getting together now is there? I’m out. Goodbye.

Highway to Hell

HI All,

Er..Carl here. Um, on my way to er, a met up in um, Warrington. A bit of a er, whatya call it, er, um, brainstorm session.

Don't have much time as I er, um am driving and it is er, a bit um, difficult to steer holding a mobile and er, um a hand held um, dictation machine. Using my knees to steer.

I hate the M6 and er, um anything vaguely Northern.

er, er, ahh. Good news about the get together. We could always record er, the drum and um, then overlay the guitar in the er, um studio. As for live er, stuff, we could um hire someone.

Oi! Watch where you're going you deformed understain you should be watching out for me swerving. Haven't you heard of observation on motorways?

Er, sorry. Some idiot wasn't watching where I was going.

Gotta rush.

Ciao and out!

Carl

Build me up Buttercup

Hello chaps!

Sorry about the mix up witht the ketamine.

Understand ppperfectly how you both must have feltt. Old Bonzo's at it again. Not so my merry mates, not so but my dear old missesss has explained my stupid cock up to you already.

Have to say that it is a bit difficult to writte at the mo as I have my busted leg in plaster and the poor old stump iis hoisted up on high to prevent clotting. Not me you understand as I became fully 'clotted' years ago!!

My ribs are ssoore and wasn't helped much when this large nurse waddled in the other morning with an armful of bed linen. Apparently she had come in to change my bed, didn't see thee old bottle that I had recently filled that was laying on the floor and went arssee over ttip and fell onto my ribs. If they weren't sore before they sure as hell are now. She was a big lump of a girl to.

'Cor! Not 'alf.

Good to see ' organ morgan' back in the frayy. As soon as I am able to get out of bed I am up for the get togetther.

If in the meantime any of yyoou blokes have got a long wooden spoon that you can spare, please send it to me as my leg is itching like crazy!

Yours in blood, booze and bandages.

Bonzo.

I Want To Teach the World to Drink Champagne

Hello Everyone,

Well, well, well. It is getting exciting. I hope we can all keep it together this time. Seems like we have us a band! Chas on rhythm guitar, Bonzo on bass, Carl on keyboards and myself on drums. We just need a lead guitarist if anyone’s got any ideas. I’ve tried finding Richard on Friends Reunited etc but no luck. Either he doesn’t want to be found or he’s gone to that great rehearsal studio in the sky. I could play the guitar of course, I’m getting quite good now, and we could find another drummer!!!???

I was going to book us in at my mate’s rehearsal studios in King’s Cross but he wanted too much money – so I’ve called in a favour. Remember that pub we used to rehearse in behind the King’s Road? I won’t mention it by name – don’t want lots of fans turning up (Ha ha!) Well, Lug, the landlord (remember him?) said we can have the upstairs room for the evening for a tenner. So – a week on Friday. That’s the 13th. Be there or be rectangular.

If you want to stay over you can kip on my floor. I’ve got a very comfy sofa bed. And it won’t be the first time we’ve all shared. (Although I will obviously be sleeping in my bed. ) By the way – good to hear from you again Miss Harpie – or should we call you Caroline now? And I hope you and Chas will let bygones be bygones. Maybe you can keep that reprobate Bonzo in order this time.

Chances of the Southern Welcome thing coming off are pretty slim now. They say we’ve taken too long and they need a decision. Well, all they really want is our signature to say that they can use the tune and change the words very slightly. I could just say yes – but I think we need to record it ourselves to get the most from the deal. It could re-launch our careers after all – and that could mean big bucks. I don't suppose anyone knows where the original tapes are do they?

Think what I Want To Teach the World to Sing did for The New Seekers.

Exciting times. Hope you’re all up for this.
Yours in music
Derek

Senses Working Overtime

Hello Each,



It is Carl here, er, that is Carl Cooper, er, you know the, um, the old keyboard player from, er, seventy one to, um seventy six. Blizzard and all that. I, er, saw Derek’s, um, blog notification and, er, have, um, been reading the posts and, er, what have you.

Really, really excited by the prospect of, er, meeting up and, um, jamming and, er what have you. Be great to meet you all after, er, so long.

Since we, er, um, split up, I have been involved in marketing and, um, have now got an established, *cough, cough, cough*, er, excuse me, bit of a tickle in my throat. Er, by the way, I am using one of those ‘dictation to text’ machines. Really, really good, catches all, er, um, the words and er, nuances of speech patterns and, er, captures them faithfully onto, um, er, what you call it? er, text.

Yeah, neat, really, really, neat.

Where was I?

Oh, yeah, marketing. I have my own business in Sutton, an, er, agency sort of thing. We, er, um, sort of design material for people. Our biggest client is, um, a pharmaceutical company in a, er, nearby Tadworth. No name’s, no pack drill but, um, you can guess who I mean, sort of made us really: er, don’t know what we’d do without them.

My partners name is Fiona. Er, she has, er, qualifications in, um, design. We, um, share a house in, er, Wimbeldon. Funky, yeah, really, really funky. The house that is, er, um, and not Fiona. Although Fiona is, er, funky too, um, at times.

Er, anyway, um, I would really, really, like to meet up with, er, um, all the old crew. Ummm, er, *cough, cough*, and,er, um, *cough, cough*, sorry about this, need some water, *cough, cough, cough*. Glug, glug, glug, ahhhhh, *hic*. Er, that’s better, must have been, er, a crumb. Yeah, really, er, would like to meet up and , er, have a chat.



Give me a call.

Anytime.



Ciao.



Carl

Wild Horses

Masuria Farm,

Ingatestone Road,

East Ongar,

Essex,

CM7 TTT.

6th February 2009

Dear Derek and Charles,

I do hope that this brief missive is not too inopportune and that neither of you mind my intruding into what appears to be a ‘boys only club’. Having just read your latest post, I thought it best that I contacted you to shed some light on Bonzo's recent, and very odd blog entry and to correct what appears to be an understandable misunderstanding. Bonzo is still feeling unwell after his unfortunate business with the Ketamine mix up and is unable to contact you himself.
You may remember me, fondly I hope, as Maybelline Harpie? Of course that was never my real name but a sobriquet that I assumed to cover Daddies blushes. I thoroughly enjoyed my rebellious youth and all the fun we had but, if truth be told, it was all a ploy to shock Mummy and Daddy.
Oh, but we did have some fun didn’t we? As you will no doubt notice, when you glance at my name at the foot of the page, my real name is, and always has been, Caroline.
But enough of me, let me address the matter of poor Kevin’s alarming experience.
Life on our farm is enormous fun and the benefits huge but it is all jolly hard work too. We have, for some time now, been rather concerned with one of our mares who has been showing signs of being in mild discomfort. Having spoken to the local veterinary, who gave us strict instructions as to what procedures to follow and also supplied us with the said Ketamine, Kevin (Bonzo) took it upon himself to carry out a simple examination of our beloved horse.
Bonzo then laid two Ketamine tablets onto a tray and, because he has such a sweet tooth, two smarties for himself. Unfortunately, and I am confident you can guess the following, Bonzo inadvertently mixed the drugs with the sweets. The consequence of Bonzo’s foolish mistake was the rather bizarre E-mail that he sent you both.
I, at first, was totally unaware of the hideous mistake and it wasn’t until I heard rather a loud commotion coming from the stable that I bothered to investigate. Imagine my horror when I blundered in to find Bonzo, arm fully inserted into the poor mares back passage, hanging like a limp rag whilst the mare, finding that having a grown mans arm thrust up her bottom is not a pleasant experience was bucking and kicking at Bonzo. I managed to calm the horse down and extricate Bonzo from his hideous nightmare.
Fortunately, Bonzo was blissfully unaware of the events that took place and I am told that his three broken ribs will soon heal. I am not so sure when he will be able to walk again though as his leg is now in plaster.
Anyway, thank you both for listening.

Yours faithfully,

Caroline De Beauvoir (aka Maybelline Harpie) Margravine of Essex

So Sad About Us

Brilliant!!! Fan-bloody-tastic! Just bleeding great! As soon as we all finally get in contact again Bonzo is once more out of his head. You never learn do you, Bonzo? How long was that bass solo after you took that acid? Six hours? We were booed off. We’d packed away the gear and you were still going strong. And we might even had got away with it if you hadn’t stopped half way through to take all your clothes off “to be as one with the cosmic vibrations.” Then there was the time you found those red tablets in the loo at the BBC studios just before The Old Grey Whistle Test. What were they? Amphetamines? The bass part isn’t supposed to be played five times faster than everything else. We’d hardly started the song before you’d finished it. And shouting out “I win!” like that… No wonder they never broadcast it. I give up.

I was planning a get together at a mate’s studio in King’s Cross – to go through a few songs. Mainly rehearse Pink Dog. I know you're not sure about it, Charles, but the agency that has the champagne company’s account is hassling me. If we don’t sign on the line by the end of the month they’re going to use a different song to promote it.

But frankly, after Bonzo’s outburst, even though they're talking a lot of money, I wonder if it’s worth it.

Yours in music

Derek

Purple Haze

Ummmmm.

Chick, chick.

Chick, chick.

Starange.

No, not starange.

Strange.

Feel so bloody odd.

Psychotic Buzzard of the Lurid Lisp

Marshmallow muscles muster malevolent mustard meanderings.

Meaningless?

Dunno.

Peter picked a pack of porcine peanuts.

Ummmmm.

Loaded man.

Loaded Man!

Chas and Derek sitting in a tree, Kay Eye Ess Ess Eye En Gee.

Maybelline?

Maboline.

Mabuleen.

Vaseline.

Ummmmm.

All Together Now!

Dearest Derek and Cheeky Charlie (sorry Charles),

So then, my return to the scene causes Charles some trepidation does it?

Let me reassure you that all my intentions are good. Of course I remember the Chainsaw Juggler and I admit that was my mistake. As for the S&M Stripper well, that was an embarrassment to all of us. My mother never could hold her liquor. Won’t happen again old chums on my word of honour. (R.I.P).

I had forgotten about Elizabeth and Charles, so apologies there old son. Elizabeth was a lovely girl. I know she meant a lot to you. I always thought she was just like rhubarb and custard - a little tart (not ‘arf) but sweeter and a divine nibble too! Have to say though that I never quite understood why she smoked that yellowing meerschaum?

Still, all water under the bridge now so let us put those days behind us.

Onwards and upwards as they say.

And of course you are right re: Andrew Oldham-Philips. After the shower debacle I chased him round the grounds of that old Manor house with a large tub of lard and some chickens feathers. Caught the blighter to. I don’t think he ever forgave me so I think it best if you deal with the old flower.

Choppy waters? Not me mate. A yacht that glides on a placid lake me. All this country air does wonders for your equilibrium (not to mention your functions). I am a reformed character.

Still, have to go now as I am brewing some Potcheen and the boiler is fit to bursting (but enough of Maybelline)!

Tiddly Pom for now!

Bonzo

.

Bonzo Dog Doo Dah

Hello,

It is with some trepidation that I welcome Bonzo to the blog - his appearance in the past has often been the harbinger of chaos and resulted in a nose-dive in quality (remember the Chainsaw Juggler and the S & M Stripper as interval entertainment?!). The ensuing newspaper report is still discussed whenever I go to my club - it is this sort of thing that I do hope we can be avoid in the future. I note that he has dragged Elizabeth into the discussion already (he refers to her as "Lovelips Lil"). We have ploughed this furrow before and it has never produced a fertile crop. He knows that my relationship with Elizabeth was an important, meaningful and turbulant part of my life and her indecision concerning style of dress and gender is a continuing matter of regret and turmoil for both of us. It requires no crass or insensitive intervention from him.

I have done some research and have located Andrew Oldham-Philips. He refuses to speak to me and will only discuss things with Derek who, he says, "understands"! - Derek perhaps you could contact him, I will send you his email in confidence lest Bonzo gets involved and loses us this potentially valuable contact. It seems that we are doomed to re-record the song - is it possible for the others to put their parts down and then I will visit the studio, if necessary with you, and sprinkle my magic dust over their efforts (perhaps a Friday would favourite).

Bonzo - Blackpool, jellied eels and figs still turn my stomach, as indeed do you - I hope that we can bring this necessary but sorry business to a close as soon as possible and pocket the wonga. In the meantime please keep your blogs to a minimum and allow Derek and I to attempt to steer this project into port safely without encountering the choppy waters which you seem intent on creating.

Charles PALMER-WHITE

Even the Bad times were often sort of OK

Oi, Chas you old tosspot!

How the devil are you? What's with all this double barrelled moniker nonsense? Charles Palmer-White? A three barrelled fiction methinks. Does your poor old Mum know that you purloined her surname? LOL. You were always good old Chas White when we used to down the old snakebite together. Remember Lovelips Lil? 'Cor blimey what a gal!

And what do you mean rude? I have always been the nicest of people with the sweetest of temperaments. It was hardly my fault you were so slow that you couldn’t dodge the odd bar stool thrown in jest, you should have ducked old mate!

The biz with Maybelline was no kerfuffle at all, that was just foreplay! You should see her now herding chickens with all the skills of a drill major.

Andrew Oldham-Philips? Rotten egg that one! Hate the man. The horror bats for the other side; more camp than a row of tents. I will never forget that incident in the shower. All I did was to bend over to retrieve the soap and before I could shout Be Bop a Flippin’ Lula the swine slid over like a cat on Vaseline. I had haemorrhoids for weeks after that!

As for musical differences old bean; the differences we had were these: I had good taste while you didn’t! LOL. Bet you listen to Shostabloodykovitch. Still, I always was the refined one of the group wasn't I?

Only teasing my old mate, only teasing.

;)

We did have a few laughs though didn't we? Remember Blackpool pier 1972? The jellied eels and the fig leaf dancer? Never knew women could shake like that.

I am available for get-togethers any day except Friday when I have to service the goat. (No, not Maybelline).

Yours in temperance and whiskey,

Bonzo

A Slighter Taste of Stale

Wot Ho Peasants!

'Tis I, Bonzo.

Sorry to barge into your electronic discourse but I recently received Derek's letter re: the get together reunion thingy and I have to say that I am up for it!

A bit busy at the mo though.

Do you remember Maybelline Harpie? Used to hang around at our gigs? Made a noise like a train shunting through a tunnel at the point of orgasm? Well, we shacked up together back in '87. Bought a small holding in Ongar where we farm a bit of this and that. She is into chickens. Not in a sordid sense but more for the eggs. She sells them, the eggs that is and not the chickens and even gives them daft names like Sam and Ella, Edwina and Major.

Reading the letter from Derek has really wetted my appetite. Even got the old bass out and smacked a few strings. Still makes that low down belly-bursting rumble of a sound. The bloke across the way mistook the sound for that of a storm approaching and shooed all his livestock into the barn. Silly old fart even locked his missus in with his prize bull. She looked well happy the following morning even if she did have a bit of a limp.

As for 'Pink Dog'. I hope you chaps haven't forgotten who composed the bass line for that song? Without that rock-steady bass the song would have had no glue and my solo is probably the most memorable thing about it. I'd be more than interested in any royalties. I mean, if it is good enough for that bloke out of Procol Harum then it’s good enough for me.

Yours in faith, hope and claret,

Bonzo

In the Mood

Dear Derek,

I am sorry if my missives have sounded somewhat reluctant but given our chequered relationship over the years (remember the misunderstandings over Frankie and Nigel - these purely platonic enthusiasms and male bondings are the fabric of life - I am still scarred by the way you and the others interpreted things - and as for Frankie - well...).

However, I am prepared to let some of this water gush under the bridge and to try to find a modus operandi for us two if it is going to bring in some wonga. My main concern is your enthusiasm to involve the others - is this really necessary? There is a lot of history between us all that might best be left buried (along with some of our dodgier songs). I am thinking particularly of the unnecessary kerfuffle over the Bonzo and Maybelline debacle which seemed to get particularly nasty at one point. Bonzo was an extremely unpredictable - and at times unreasonable chap and often downright rude - talk about musical differences!

By the way, the new manager we got after Frankie proved so useless at organising things was Andrew Oldham-Philips - you remember, that rather camp guy who owned a record shop in the High Street - I rather liked him. I heard that he was running an interior design business in Tottenham called Mood Oldham or something like that. Hope that helps and we can forge ahead without too much unpleasantness.

Regards,
Charles Palmer-White

We Gotta Move On

Hi Chas

I’m sorry to have to say this, especially as we’ve been such close friends for so long, but I’m beginning to detect just the faintest hint a hint of… well… I’m not sure what... disapproval? That you’re not whole-heartedly behind the project?

By the way, I didn’t organise the WWF gig. That was down to Frankie. If you remember he used to organise all our gigs then. That was before our hit single and the new manager. What was his name? He’s the person we should be looking for. I always thought you were a bit unfair to Frankie. He was very willing and he only organised the gigs because no one else wanted to. He got us some great ones. You moan about the Alhambra Curry Bistro gig – but I don’t remember you complaining at the time. Well, not that evening anyway. And the party after was great. I can still picture that Indian stripper’s tassel spinning round, then flying off and landing in your plate of vindaloo.

And while I’m about it – Brenda didn’t have a tattoo of a rhino on her bottom. It was a love heart.

Anyway – two bits of news. I’ve contacted Southern Welcome, the champagne company, and told them that we’d be delighted to re-record it. Initially they just wanted to pay us for the song’s use and get some session musicians to do it, but I put my foot down and said no. I think it should either be the original music – or we should do it ourselves. Anyway after a couple more feeble attempts at what were tantamount to bribes, offering more money and so on, they agreed.

So following that I’ve been doing some serious research. I’ve found both Bonzo and Carl and have sent them a letter with the story so far. I can’t wait to hear from them. It’s going to be fantastic.

Speak soon!

Derek.

PS – I hope that was a joke about Pink Dog. We both wrote it, as well you know!

Tattoo You

Derek,

The only thing I remember about that gig in Wales was the almighty cock up you made with the arrangements – the band were told that it was to be a charity gig for the World Wildlife Fund (WWF) and it turned out to be an anniversary celebration for the World Wrestling Federation – how wrong can you get? I just remember a load of tattooed muscle men and women of dubious sexual orientation body-slamming, forearm-smashing and sleeper-holding various unsuspecting band members and hangers-on. It was a nightmare - and we never got paid. Unless you count the tattoo of a rhino that the promoter did on Brenda’s arse.

I am not as enamoured as you obviously are by the fact that we are in contact again – much less at the prospect that we will have to enter into communication with the others if we have to re-record the song. So – I’ve talked to Al Kleinstein about the tapes and he agrees we should find them as soon as we can. He’s discovered that Phil – the producer (ha!) – is out on bail awaiting re-trial and currently putting together an album of prison rap songs entitled If You Can't Take The Rap - Don't Do The Crap – sounds like an undistinguished failure to me. Al has “connections” in the Harlem Parole Department and they’re seeing what they can do to persuade Phil to hand them over. Al also agreed with me that just because you had the initial idea for Pink Dog it doesn’t give you any rights over its composition. Maybe if the champagne people do use it – you could have a one-off payment or something.

And anyway – if they’ve got a copy of the single, why do we need the master tape? They could get session musicians to record it for the ad. It will be an improvement!

Must go, I’ve something more important to do than all this idle gossip. I have to make a coffee.

Yours in music and royalties
Charles