Friday, 13 February 2009

Wild Horses

Masuria Farm,

Ingatestone Road,

East Ongar,



6th February 2009

Dear Derek and Charles,

I do hope that this brief missive is not too inopportune and that neither of you mind my intruding into what appears to be a ‘boys only club’. Having just read your latest post, I thought it best that I contacted you to shed some light on Bonzo's recent, and very odd blog entry and to correct what appears to be an understandable misunderstanding. Bonzo is still feeling unwell after his unfortunate business with the Ketamine mix up and is unable to contact you himself.
You may remember me, fondly I hope, as Maybelline Harpie? Of course that was never my real name but a sobriquet that I assumed to cover Daddies blushes. I thoroughly enjoyed my rebellious youth and all the fun we had but, if truth be told, it was all a ploy to shock Mummy and Daddy.
Oh, but we did have some fun didn’t we? As you will no doubt notice, when you glance at my name at the foot of the page, my real name is, and always has been, Caroline.
But enough of me, let me address the matter of poor Kevin’s alarming experience.
Life on our farm is enormous fun and the benefits huge but it is all jolly hard work too. We have, for some time now, been rather concerned with one of our mares who has been showing signs of being in mild discomfort. Having spoken to the local veterinary, who gave us strict instructions as to what procedures to follow and also supplied us with the said Ketamine, Kevin (Bonzo) took it upon himself to carry out a simple examination of our beloved horse.
Bonzo then laid two Ketamine tablets onto a tray and, because he has such a sweet tooth, two smarties for himself. Unfortunately, and I am confident you can guess the following, Bonzo inadvertently mixed the drugs with the sweets. The consequence of Bonzo’s foolish mistake was the rather bizarre E-mail that he sent you both.
I, at first, was totally unaware of the hideous mistake and it wasn’t until I heard rather a loud commotion coming from the stable that I bothered to investigate. Imagine my horror when I blundered in to find Bonzo, arm fully inserted into the poor mares back passage, hanging like a limp rag whilst the mare, finding that having a grown mans arm thrust up her bottom is not a pleasant experience was bucking and kicking at Bonzo. I managed to calm the horse down and extricate Bonzo from his hideous nightmare.
Fortunately, Bonzo was blissfully unaware of the events that took place and I am told that his three broken ribs will soon heal. I am not so sure when he will be able to walk again though as his leg is now in plaster.
Anyway, thank you both for listening.

Yours faithfully,

Caroline De Beauvoir (aka Maybelline Harpie) Margravine of Essex

No comments: