All Together Now!

Dearest Derek and Cheeky Charlie (sorry Charles),

So then, my return to the scene causes Charles some trepidation does it?

Let me reassure you that all my intentions are good. Of course I remember the Chainsaw Juggler and I admit that was my mistake. As for the S&M Stripper well, that was an embarrassment to all of us. My mother never could hold her liquor. Won’t happen again old chums on my word of honour. (R.I.P).

I had forgotten about Elizabeth and Charles, so apologies there old son. Elizabeth was a lovely girl. I know she meant a lot to you. I always thought she was just like rhubarb and custard - a little tart (not ‘arf) but sweeter and a divine nibble too! Have to say though that I never quite understood why she smoked that yellowing meerschaum?

Still, all water under the bridge now so let us put those days behind us.

Onwards and upwards as they say.

And of course you are right re: Andrew Oldham-Philips. After the shower debacle I chased him round the grounds of that old Manor house with a large tub of lard and some chickens feathers. Caught the blighter to. I don’t think he ever forgave me so I think it best if you deal with the old flower.

Choppy waters? Not me mate. A yacht that glides on a placid lake me. All this country air does wonders for your equilibrium (not to mention your functions). I am a reformed character.

Still, have to go now as I am brewing some Potcheen and the boiler is fit to bursting (but enough of Maybelline)!

Tiddly Pom for now!

Bonzo

.

Bonzo Dog Doo Dah

Hello,

It is with some trepidation that I welcome Bonzo to the blog - his appearance in the past has often been the harbinger of chaos and resulted in a nose-dive in quality (remember the Chainsaw Juggler and the S & M Stripper as interval entertainment?!). The ensuing newspaper report is still discussed whenever I go to my club - it is this sort of thing that I do hope we can be avoid in the future. I note that he has dragged Elizabeth into the discussion already (he refers to her as "Lovelips Lil"). We have ploughed this furrow before and it has never produced a fertile crop. He knows that my relationship with Elizabeth was an important, meaningful and turbulant part of my life and her indecision concerning style of dress and gender is a continuing matter of regret and turmoil for both of us. It requires no crass or insensitive intervention from him.

I have done some research and have located Andrew Oldham-Philips. He refuses to speak to me and will only discuss things with Derek who, he says, "understands"! - Derek perhaps you could contact him, I will send you his email in confidence lest Bonzo gets involved and loses us this potentially valuable contact. It seems that we are doomed to re-record the song - is it possible for the others to put their parts down and then I will visit the studio, if necessary with you, and sprinkle my magic dust over their efforts (perhaps a Friday would favourite).

Bonzo - Blackpool, jellied eels and figs still turn my stomach, as indeed do you - I hope that we can bring this necessary but sorry business to a close as soon as possible and pocket the wonga. In the meantime please keep your blogs to a minimum and allow Derek and I to attempt to steer this project into port safely without encountering the choppy waters which you seem intent on creating.

Charles PALMER-WHITE

Even the Bad times were often sort of OK

Oi, Chas you old tosspot!

How the devil are you? What's with all this double barrelled moniker nonsense? Charles Palmer-White? A three barrelled fiction methinks. Does your poor old Mum know that you purloined her surname? LOL. You were always good old Chas White when we used to down the old snakebite together. Remember Lovelips Lil? 'Cor blimey what a gal!

And what do you mean rude? I have always been the nicest of people with the sweetest of temperaments. It was hardly my fault you were so slow that you couldn’t dodge the odd bar stool thrown in jest, you should have ducked old mate!

The biz with Maybelline was no kerfuffle at all, that was just foreplay! You should see her now herding chickens with all the skills of a drill major.

Andrew Oldham-Philips? Rotten egg that one! Hate the man. The horror bats for the other side; more camp than a row of tents. I will never forget that incident in the shower. All I did was to bend over to retrieve the soap and before I could shout Be Bop a Flippin’ Lula the swine slid over like a cat on Vaseline. I had haemorrhoids for weeks after that!

As for musical differences old bean; the differences we had were these: I had good taste while you didn’t! LOL. Bet you listen to Shostabloodykovitch. Still, I always was the refined one of the group wasn't I?

Only teasing my old mate, only teasing.

;)

We did have a few laughs though didn't we? Remember Blackpool pier 1972? The jellied eels and the fig leaf dancer? Never knew women could shake like that.

I am available for get-togethers any day except Friday when I have to service the goat. (No, not Maybelline).

Yours in temperance and whiskey,

Bonzo

A Slighter Taste of Stale

Wot Ho Peasants!

'Tis I, Bonzo.

Sorry to barge into your electronic discourse but I recently received Derek's letter re: the get together reunion thingy and I have to say that I am up for it!

A bit busy at the mo though.

Do you remember Maybelline Harpie? Used to hang around at our gigs? Made a noise like a train shunting through a tunnel at the point of orgasm? Well, we shacked up together back in '87. Bought a small holding in Ongar where we farm a bit of this and that. She is into chickens. Not in a sordid sense but more for the eggs. She sells them, the eggs that is and not the chickens and even gives them daft names like Sam and Ella, Edwina and Major.

Reading the letter from Derek has really wetted my appetite. Even got the old bass out and smacked a few strings. Still makes that low down belly-bursting rumble of a sound. The bloke across the way mistook the sound for that of a storm approaching and shooed all his livestock into the barn. Silly old fart even locked his missus in with his prize bull. She looked well happy the following morning even if she did have a bit of a limp.

As for 'Pink Dog'. I hope you chaps haven't forgotten who composed the bass line for that song? Without that rock-steady bass the song would have had no glue and my solo is probably the most memorable thing about it. I'd be more than interested in any royalties. I mean, if it is good enough for that bloke out of Procol Harum then it’s good enough for me.

Yours in faith, hope and claret,

Bonzo

In the Mood

Dear Derek,

I am sorry if my missives have sounded somewhat reluctant but given our chequered relationship over the years (remember the misunderstandings over Frankie and Nigel - these purely platonic enthusiasms and male bondings are the fabric of life - I am still scarred by the way you and the others interpreted things - and as for Frankie - well...).

However, I am prepared to let some of this water gush under the bridge and to try to find a modus operandi for us two if it is going to bring in some wonga. My main concern is your enthusiasm to involve the others - is this really necessary? There is a lot of history between us all that might best be left buried (along with some of our dodgier songs). I am thinking particularly of the unnecessary kerfuffle over the Bonzo and Maybelline debacle which seemed to get particularly nasty at one point. Bonzo was an extremely unpredictable - and at times unreasonable chap and often downright rude - talk about musical differences!

By the way, the new manager we got after Frankie proved so useless at organising things was Andrew Oldham-Philips - you remember, that rather camp guy who owned a record shop in the High Street - I rather liked him. I heard that he was running an interior design business in Tottenham called Mood Oldham or something like that. Hope that helps and we can forge ahead without too much unpleasantness.

Regards,
Charles Palmer-White

We Gotta Move On

Hi Chas

I’m sorry to have to say this, especially as we’ve been such close friends for so long, but I’m beginning to detect just the faintest hint a hint of… well… I’m not sure what... disapproval? That you’re not whole-heartedly behind the project?

By the way, I didn’t organise the WWF gig. That was down to Frankie. If you remember he used to organise all our gigs then. That was before our hit single and the new manager. What was his name? He’s the person we should be looking for. I always thought you were a bit unfair to Frankie. He was very willing and he only organised the gigs because no one else wanted to. He got us some great ones. You moan about the Alhambra Curry Bistro gig – but I don’t remember you complaining at the time. Well, not that evening anyway. And the party after was great. I can still picture that Indian stripper’s tassel spinning round, then flying off and landing in your plate of vindaloo.

And while I’m about it – Brenda didn’t have a tattoo of a rhino on her bottom. It was a love heart.

Anyway – two bits of news. I’ve contacted Southern Welcome, the champagne company, and told them that we’d be delighted to re-record it. Initially they just wanted to pay us for the song’s use and get some session musicians to do it, but I put my foot down and said no. I think it should either be the original music – or we should do it ourselves. Anyway after a couple more feeble attempts at what were tantamount to bribes, offering more money and so on, they agreed.

So following that I’ve been doing some serious research. I’ve found both Bonzo and Carl and have sent them a letter with the story so far. I can’t wait to hear from them. It’s going to be fantastic.

Speak soon!

Derek.

PS – I hope that was a joke about Pink Dog. We both wrote it, as well you know!

Tattoo You

Derek,

The only thing I remember about that gig in Wales was the almighty cock up you made with the arrangements – the band were told that it was to be a charity gig for the World Wildlife Fund (WWF) and it turned out to be an anniversary celebration for the World Wrestling Federation – how wrong can you get? I just remember a load of tattooed muscle men and women of dubious sexual orientation body-slamming, forearm-smashing and sleeper-holding various unsuspecting band members and hangers-on. It was a nightmare - and we never got paid. Unless you count the tattoo of a rhino that the promoter did on Brenda’s arse.

I am not as enamoured as you obviously are by the fact that we are in contact again – much less at the prospect that we will have to enter into communication with the others if we have to re-record the song. So – I’ve talked to Al Kleinstein about the tapes and he agrees we should find them as soon as we can. He’s discovered that Phil – the producer (ha!) – is out on bail awaiting re-trial and currently putting together an album of prison rap songs entitled If You Can't Take The Rap - Don't Do The Crap – sounds like an undistinguished failure to me. Al has “connections” in the Harlem Parole Department and they’re seeing what they can do to persuade Phil to hand them over. Al also agreed with me that just because you had the initial idea for Pink Dog it doesn’t give you any rights over its composition. Maybe if the champagne people do use it – you could have a one-off payment or something.

And anyway – if they’ve got a copy of the single, why do we need the master tape? They could get session musicians to record it for the ad. It will be an improvement!

Must go, I’ve something more important to do than all this idle gossip. I have to make a coffee.

Yours in music and royalties
Charles